January 9th, 2005
"GOING BACK HOME" POSTED AT 10:06 AM   PROLOGUE Friday, 8 pm: I was at the office early, preparing for the Instructional Design Group's meeting with the Training Director set at 10 pm. The anticipation unsettled me. _____________________________________ THE CALL 9 pm Checked my celphone (which was on silent mode) and realized that Tin (my younger sister) has rung me up 9 times. I was about to return her call when the phone display revealed a message: Nanay has been rushed to the FEU hospital please... I haven't finished reading it when the phone rang again. I was able to answer, it was Tin. "Hello." "Hello Kuya, where are you?" I deliberately cut in without answering: "Tin, what happened?" "It's Nanay... Kuya, she's being revived. She's not breathing." Tin's voice cracked. "I'm on my way." I couldn't bring myself to listen to the rest of what she had to say, I hung up. My sister's words, like sledgehammer, shattered my heart. Hearing a bit more, I would've been too devastated to move. I took advantage of the fact that I was still collected and left the office. I just wanted to be there as soon as I can. _____________________________________ TRAVEL ARRANGEMENTS On the way, I tried to empty my mind of everything and kept telling myself I was cool, that things are going to be alright. Inside, I felt like I did in some losing college debate, vehemently pushing for a position but running short to be fully convincing and eventually failing to drive it home. I hated the feeling but could not help myself. The looming episode moved the tears to flow against my resolve. 10 pmThe entire way from Eastwood to Fairview was all hazy. Next thing I knew, I was standing in the hospital lobby. With sentiments kept in check, I steadily walked towards the hospital's ER; saw my mom, Tita Babes and Tito Ernand, but decided I'd talk to them after I see Nanay. I went ahead to Nanay's bed. Tin was right beside her. Nanay had a tube in her mouth which was attached to a breathing apparatus being manually pumped by a nurse. A second nurse was taking her blood pressure, while a third one was busy making adjustments to several IV medicine being administered simultaneously. Straight away, I held Nanay's feet and started kneading them. It was my way of saying: Nanay I'm here now. Please get better. I didn't see Tin inch her way to me. In between sobs, she told me: "Kuya, the doctors have declared Nanay clinically dead. Only the ventilator is helping sustain her." It was only then that I really looked at Nanay. Her chest was barely heaving... My knees felt weak. I hugged my sister. 11 pm We left the ER and proceeded to the ICU where Nanay was moved. I recognized the ICU Nurse, a highschool classmate. We shook hands. We were told that at this point, recovery will be totally up to the patient. All of us just nodded. Saturday1 amTito and Tita brought Tin home; only me and my Mom stayed at the hospital. We sat beside each other on two waiting room chairs, and with her head on my shoulder, Mom (her eyes puffy from crying) fell asleep. While news was in the offing from the ICU, I prayed like I never have before. My eyes closed, I begged God not to take Nanay yet. For the next 4 hours, my plea did not let up, nor did the tears. 5 am The ICU nurse came to us: "Nanay is awake." Mom repeated the words to herself and beamed the most beautiful smile. Tears rolled down her cheeks, but it did not take away her smile (I'd finally seen tears of joy for real). She embraced me. I stooped and touched her crown with my face. I rang Tin up and told her the good news. 5 pm ICU visiting hours 'til 7 pm. Everyone was there. Ate was the first to go in and talk with Nanay followed by Kuya Joel, Bong, Tita Baby and Tito Andy. My turn came up. I went in and approached bed 3. Seeing her, immediately put me in highspirits considering that last night, this scene was unthinkable. I told her to take it easy and not move too much so she won't tire. She said yes and requested for her eyeglasses to see me better. I didn't have it then so I told her I'll have Tita Lulu bring it to her instead. She nodded her head. I said goodbye and rubbed her arm for heat. I thought the airconditioning was a notch colder than the ideal. Tita Lulu, Tin, Mom, Tita Babes and Tito Ernand went after me. Back in the waiting room, the mood was cheerful. I spoke with Ate and asked her what she and Nanay talked about. She said she told Nanay to hold on and kissed her. I held my Ate's hand and with conviction told her: "Don't worry, she'll get better." 9 pm We left the hospital and headed home. Tin and Bong stayed to look after Nanay. _____________________________________ THE FLIGHT Sunday2 pm Mom went back to the hospital to take over a new shift. 3:30 pm Me and Tin thought about playing badminton and started gearing up. It's been 2 weeks ago since the last time. I was excited. 4 pm Mom rang home, I picked up. She said Nanay's having a cardiac arrest. Instead of putting on our playing clothes, me and Tin wore casuals. We were about to leave for the hospital when Mom called again. Sally (the househelp) answered the phone this time. After putting down the handset she told us Nanay has gone. I went back to my room and sat on the bed. My mind was blank, for how long, I couldn't say. Then the doorbell rang. It was Ate. Still in trance, I walked to the living room to meet her. By the door I saw my two sisters in a tight embrace, their bodies racked by sobs. Seeing this I felt the news sink in. We have lost Nanay. The way back to the hospital was the longest 30 minute drive of my life. Memories of Nanay kept coming up: In the TV room with Dad watching Mulawin. In my room, sitting on the bed, smiling while folding my clothes. Waking me up with her cheerful voice to pick-up my friend's telephone calls. Laughing with us in the dining table. Reciting the rosary with the family. At the church, hearing mass with Mom and Dad, beaming at me and Tin while we do the liturgical service. Singing her lullabye to put baby Jared to sleep. Running after me as I head out the door for work to ask what time I'll be back. My eyes may have been blurred by tears but the scenes couldn't have replayed more clearly. The flight that we all thought has been cancelled has after all pushed through. _____________________________________ EPILOGUE 4:30 pm We met my Mom at the waiting room outside the ICU. Her face was blotched from crying. 6 pm While waiting for the rest of the family to arrive, Mom, Ate and Kuya Joel settled the hospital bills, so Tin and I went to a cyber cafe. It was when i started putting together this journal entry. 7 pm The whole clan was at the hospital: Tito Ernand, Tita Babes, my 3 cousins, Dad, Mom, my two sisters, Kuya Joel, Tita Lulu and Sally. We all went down to the morgue and sent off Nanay to the funeral parlor to prepare her for the wake at the village chapel. 8 pm Tito Ernand and Tita Babes went with Nanay to the Funeral Parlor while the rest of us went to Max's and had our dinner together. 11 Swam.
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tifalockheart
And thank you for what you said on my post.
swim_bud
And uh about my grandmother, it still is fresh but the family's healing.
Be back whenever you're online ayt?
shrouded
swim_bud
Derek (guest)
*Virtual Hugs*
But, I will include your Nanay in my prayers.
condolences my man.
swim_bud
*Hugs back*
buddy (guest)
long-time lurker here. take your time to mourn. here's something for you:
You would know the secret of death.
But how shall you find it unless you seek it in the heart of life?
The owl whose night-bound eyes are blind unto the day cannot unveil the mystery of light.
If you would indeed behold the spirit of death, open your heart wide unto the body of life.
For life and death are one, even as the river and the sea are one.
In the depth of your hopes and desires lies your silent knowledge of the beyond;
And like seeds dreaming beneath the snow your heart dreams of spring.
Trust the dreams, for in them is hidden the gate to eternity.
Your fear of death is but the trembling of the shepherd when he stands before the king whose hand is to be laid upon him in honour.
Is the shepherd not joyful beneath his trembling, that he shall wear the mark of the king?
Yet is he not more mindful of his trembling?
For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?
And what is it to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?
Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing.
And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb.
And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance.
--Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet
swim_bud
toffee_drives_22
Condoloence.
I'm just curious, si "Nanay" ba ay grandmother mo or something?
swim_bud
toffee_drives_22
Get's ko na pala kung bakit ganyan ang sagot mo, kase kung sinabi mo lang na "grandmother" or "lola." I might ask a follow question, like... from who's side... so straight to the point actually. ;-)
Hmmm... I'm not making any sense, am I? :P